When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
