the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
