I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
