my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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