I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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