I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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