At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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