90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
