after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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