Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
