Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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