So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
