so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
