im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
