Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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