So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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