Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
