Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
