You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
