i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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