I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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