I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
