Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
