How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
