he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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