My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
