I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
