i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
