someone owes me an orgasm
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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