3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
