great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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