please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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