If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
