So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm like, not good at living.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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