I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
