Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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