im six kinds of drunk right now
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
