I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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