Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
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His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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