I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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