Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
