I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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