I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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