The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
