His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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