I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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