I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
