I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i think my cat just said my name.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
