I think I died a long time ago.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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