Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize