At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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