You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
