the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
