The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
