This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
