Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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