Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
