I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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