my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
