I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
