I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
